(or: How Nobody New Learned to Profit Without Touching a Product — Because I Don’t Have Time to Touch Anything)
Alright. I’m in the grocery store again.
I’ve been here for four days (or maybe forty minutes, I can’t tell anymore).
The cart has a limp wheel. The toddler is eating string cheese we haven’t paid for.
Someone’s husband is blocking the milk aisle like it’s the Suez Canal.
And I think to myself — there has to be a better way to live.
I don’t want to touch another box, or another receipt, or another “Buy One Get One.”
I want money that appears like magic — like the way snacks disappear in the backseat.
That’s when I remembered that blog I read.
You know the one — “How Nobody New Builds a Scalable Online Business Without Touching a Product.”
And I thought, oh yeah, I can do that.
Because if I can survive this grocery store, I can build an empire.
Picture this:
I’m standing between frozen peas and regret, clutching a coupon and contemplating life.
And suddenly it hits me —
I don’t need to make products.
I just need to talk about them.
Review them, write about them, link to them, and let the internet do the heavy lifting.
Affiliate marketing, baby.
If the kids can find Cocomelon videos faster than I can find my car keys,
surely I can figure out how to automate a blog.
You know what I realized? Automation is just motherhood — but with better boundaries.
Because every day I wake up to:
1,000 notifications.
3,000 messes.
4,000 emotional breakdowns (mostly mine).
So if I can create one thing that keeps working while I’m not, I win.
That’s what “Nobody New” did.
They built a system — blogs, links, automations, keywords — that all run while they’re busy living life (or losing it in aisle 12).
It’s like putting dinner in a crockpot and walking away, except instead of soup, it’s income.
Listen — if Karen from the PTA can post about her sourdough starter and get 1,200 likes,
then I can write about products that actually pay me.
I’ll make content. I’ll post reviews.
I’ll become the “relatable mom influencer” I swore I’d never be.
Only this time, I’ll have systems in place.
The posts will schedule themselves.
The affiliate links will track themselves.
And if the Wi-Fi crashes, fine — I’ll write a rant on napkins and upload it later.
Because in the war between chaos and capitalism, I choose passive income.
Everything’s a metric, honey.
How many tantrums per hour? That’s engagement.
How many coupons redeemed? That’s conversion.
How many snacks consumed before checkout? That’s churn rate.
You track it, you learn from it, you optimize.
That’s business — and also motherhood.
If I can run a household with zero sleep, no budget, and two kids fighting over who gets to breathe first,
I can run a website.
Let’s get one thing straight:
I’m not doing everything myself anymore.
I’m delegating.
To the kids.
To the husband.
To the robots.
Alexa can handle my reminders.
Zapier can post my content.
The toddler can sell crayons to the neighbors.
If it’s not automated, it’s not happening.
If it can’t be scheduled between school drop-off and mental breakdown number seven,
it’s not scalable.
So here I am.
Checkout line.
Sweating.
Eyes twitching.
The cashier says, “Do you want to use your rewards points?”
And I whisper — no, proclaim —
“I don’t need points.
I have a system.”
And somewhere in the heavens, the Wi-Fi angels sing.
My website auto-posts.
My affiliate links ping.
My blog keeps running — even as my toddler eats a receipt.
I am free.
Here’s what I’ve learned, friends (and strangers watching me cry in the dairy section):
You don’t have to grind yourself into dust to make something work.
You just have to build it once — and make it smart enough to run without you.
That’s the secret.
That’s the magic.
That’s the caffeine-fueled prophecy of Nobody New.
So yeah, maybe I’m standing in a puddle of spilled apple juice.
Maybe I forgot the eggs.
Maybe my left eye has been twitching for two years.
But my website?
Still running.
Still earning.
Still scaling.
Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone who’s ever cried in a Target parking lot —
you don’t need a miracle.
You need a system.
If “Nobody New” can build a business that runs itself,
then so can you.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to automate snack time.
Signed,
A woman on her last nerve
CEO of Groceries, Laundry, and Scalable Dreams