Searching for a former clarity

It is a very strange thing when you Google your old handles and find old accounts filled with old memories. That instant punch in the stomach, who you were with or without. The memories of where you were, who you were. Who you wished you weren’t. In the moment you think about what happened next after that memory. Would you have made the same choices if faced with the same life? It’s that old proverb of, “if I had a time machine…” I thought this was a fun memory. Only because it was me, and only me, after Lateralus by Tool had released.

Me, in another life. Circa 2003

It feels like eons ago. I was just starting undergrad. The next two years proved to be the degradation of me as a person. I shed the skin of who I thought I was. Looking back, I was molding myself as a chameleon to check the boxes of someone else’s needs. I was so willing to eviscerate everything I was to please someone else. It is a shame to realize it literally took over a decade to truly discover myself and what my happiness really means. They always say, you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. Not only am I my own worst critic, I always seem to need to learn things the hard way. Maybe that is the ongoing human condition. Not willing to trust others that have experienced hardship and be able to apply the lessons to their own lives. Be it arrogance, stubbornness, or disbelief. Not sure. All I know is my life wouldn’t be as good as it is now, without learning the hardships and lessons I have learned. For that I am thankful. But I wouldn’t do it again. Unless I absolutely had to in order to reach the bliss I have now.

Stay the course.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: